The perks of being the second choice

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I'm not anyone's first choice. I'm not anyone's favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I'm special to them but I know there's someone they will always choose over me.

It's hard. I often hear that people think I'm not very emotional or sensitive but they don't know me. It hurts, when you know that you'll always be someones second choice. Sometimes people tell me things like "You're the only one I can talk about this with" or "Noone understands me like you do". But they're lying. Because they do talk with it about other people. And yes, I understand them like nobody else does. But they don't notice. Because they tell other people aswell and they talk to them much more about it. Because yeah, I understand, but they don't want me to understand. They just want me to be nice and empathic and fake. If you get to know me, I'm a very caring and loving person. I will give you all of me and if I have to walk to the next gas station and buy you chocolate because you feel bad, I will. But there are things I will never do:

1) I will never tell you how beautiful you are because you ask me to, I will tell you because I want you to know.

2) I will never stop teasing you with little taunts. This is my way to express my love so accept it.

3) I will never stop commenting dumb bullshit under your Instagram pics because I want people to know that I am your friend and that I and only I have the right to be a little mean to you.

4) I will never try to make you feel bad. Everything that makes you feel bad is something that makes me angry and I will do anything to make you feel better.

5) I will never stop caring about you. You've just been to the hospital? I care. You had a shit day at school? I care. You have just taken a nice nap? I care. You have nothing to tell but you text me anyways because you want to talk to me? I care. I care. I care.

But I know I'll never be this person for anyone. I am the kind of person you write when you are bored but your other friends don't reply or have no time. I am the kind of friend you invite to the cinema if you really wanna see a movie but have noone to go with and don't want to look like an idiot by going alone. I'm the type of guy you take to McDonald's with you because you want some extra nuggets but have no money. This is what I am: A backup plan. A knight in shining armor. The protector of the weak and the slave of the popular.

When I find myself in times of troubles, brother Flo's there for me"
This, slightly adusted, quote from The Beatles describes my situation pretty well. Amost everyone of my (former) friends suddenly became friends with me because they needed me, because they had a bad time, because they had noone else. I'll give you a few examples. These stories are based on real people, but I changed some information to not expose anyone:

A girl, lets call her Jane, had a best friend. They went to parties together and drank and sent nudes to strangers. But when her best friend moved to Sweden, she was all alone and needed someone. And boom, wasn't I the perfect choice. Her bestfriend came back tho and even though she swears I mean so much to her and she does so much more with me than with anyone else, I feel like I haven't even talked to her properly for weeks.

Another girl (90% of my friends are female, idk why) named Larissa used to be in my school. She was a bit of a weirdo, but she had her own style and she stood for it and I respected her for it. She had two best friends, both female, but they didn't really get alonge with each other, so one of them left their clique. I was more and more interested in this girl because she seemed like she didn't care for anyone and anything and that made me want to be someone she cares about. Well, I already knew she wasn't able to care for anyone, but I was naive. We got kind-of-friends and she was the first girl I really liked for her personality rather than for talking to me. The next year she changed school, what, of course, made me sad at the beginning but though she had only one friend in her new school, lets call her Mary, and missed her old friends, I had my chance. We became best friends. It was hard being best friends with her, because she never missed an opportunity to remind me that i wasn't her female best friend. I couldn't count how many times I've heard things like "I would tell you but I can't because I dont trust you as much as I trust Mary yet" or "I'll tell you anything" but with anything, she actully just meant she will tell me the stuff everyone else knew anyways and then say "I've only told Mary about this so I can't tell you". Maybe i would've ended our friendship at this point but there was just one problem: I've fallen in love with her. That's the reason I tried my best to keep our friendship alive but after I told her I loved her it got even worse. She acted like she was disgusted by me, even tho I didn't even try to be close to her anymore. I don't quite know if she was just trying to prevent me from loving her, but if she did, she managed to. And she also got me to dislike her. It is the first time I write these words down but while I type them, I know they are true. Larissa had become the kind of girl I never liked. She went from a small, in her way even cute wallflower with her inconspicuous, but amazing personality to a big, beautiful Rose, overrated and thorny. She just showed off her beauty and attracted people, just so they get stung by her thorns.
I am like a wall of bricks. A wallflower can grow on me and I protect her from the weather and the cold. But a rose has no use for a brick wall. She needs a big, fancy pot of the finest earth. And in just a few years, Larissa the rose will have forgotten that it was me, the brick wall who was there for her. She will sit in her perfect earth, waiting for her worshippers to come, caring about nothing but herself. And I will still stay there, a small wall of bricks, waiting for the next wallflower to come, the next beautiful friendship to develope, the next memories to fade, and the next disappointment to experience.